i have spent.

Now listening to: Gym Class Heroes

Sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, as i sit here in a 90 degree room. Why am i here? What am i doing?

If i would've looked to this day 5 years back, i would've had no idea that my life now would be this. i live in an old, rundown school building on the west side of a city labeled as a "dying town" by The New York Times. i am a college graduate, with a motivation to never make an ounce of my life revolve around money, yet owe 30,000 dollars worth of loans-- walking contradiction.

i have spent. the last 2 months of my life looking for my "career", which has been a gas station attendant position on the drug-ridden side of town. The kids are hassling me at the wee hours of the morning for a pack of cigarettes or a cheap phillie blunt, and i keep refusing them for the sake of my job and their future. They have no where else to go. This is their "hot spot". They come to hear me say, "The worth of one's soul is not measured by the blingin' of ones sneaks," and other such subliminal sentences. When i look at the dirt covering their clothes and hands, i know, i know that this is the best place for them to go. i wish i could cry for them. TeeJay is the oldest black man i've ever seen rollin' in chains and fresh, iced-out watches. Robot meets gansta is the most feasible way to describe the verbal communication that comes from between his teeth. Mr. Steele comes around 4 a.m. talking about his latest gambling endeavors, germaphobias, and disbeliefs in the Bible and the emmaculate conception. i spit the truth and love whenever i can notice the chance (only if i could notice more chances).

i have spent. the past 3 months in an "intership", which means a bunch of smokers coming together 3 times a week to talk about religion and "community" (what an evil word to my ears now) and about generalizations of others (which are truly about ourselves).

i have spent. the past 1/2 year poorly pursuing a beautiful, young lady, with whom i hide the knots in my stomachs that desire to run around the world, screaming how much i love her.

i have spent. the past year, regret every close friend i've forgotten to call. The time simply passes by more and more, yet i still don't let the weight of the importance of one phone call even rest on my shoulders.

i have spent. the past 3 years fighting apathy with my mind and not with my actions.

i have spent. the past 5 years wondering how God will change the world with my poorly obedient life.

i have spent. the past 13 years asking God to end my life, contemplating if there's anyone in the world who cares, and searching for the hope that God will kill the lies Satan has grown in me.

i have spent. the past 17 years regretting all the decisions i would make in the present situation and pondering, "What if..."

i have spent. the past 22 years, 31 days, 12 hours, and 8 minutes of my life estastically accepting that my life has been graciously blessed by my Creator, for a reason i can only suspect to be-- Love, and then searching my self entirely for the way to fully accept that love from the One who desires for me to accept it.

i have spent.

shalom.