"i would find a way..."

Now listening to: American IV by Johnny Cash


"early one morning with time to kill..."

Lazily I feel so. I don't know why i get into these "fits".
I guess if it's not a "fit" if it is my life.
Everyday i think about what is better, what i should do instead of what i'm doing right at that moment. I think...

"I hung my head, I hung my head..."

I don't like feeling like this. It's not like i want to. Why would i? I'm not massichist. I want to swim in the glory of the love of the Lord and scream on tops of mountains to people of why they should love this man that has made me who i am. Why they should go around running like crazy people, with the full knowlegde that they are not perfect, but that's what makes life more beautiful.

"I set off running to wake from the dream..."

Again, i make myself come back to reality and "get in check with myself" so-to-speak. I know that dreaming all day won't fix anything. I must live. I must grasp that thing unto which i need to grasp.

"What have i become?
my sweetest friend.
Everyone i know
goes away in the end.
And you could have it all.
my empire of dirt.
i will let you down.
i will make you hurt..."

Someone asked me why I write this thing for anyone to see. I know i don't want attention. I dont' think anything will change of the people that read it, or of myself for writing it.
"We need to be honest,' a very close friend told me recently.
I would love to be honest. I would love to know what being honesty without telling the unecessary actually meant.
I don't think i know where to hold back. All i can do habitually write like a fiend into this thing that tells of these everyday, common emotions that everyone goes through at some point of their life. At some point some is going to feel like crap. That is life. We cannot prevent it. It's not the worst part of life. No. Pain and tribulation is where we find glory, where we find what true, unconditional love is, where we find something we were missing before, where we find the "it" that we neededl. Where we find out that life is harsh, but the righeous stand firm and press on, continually toughing it out so that they may make their path to the final point of what it is all supposed to end at-- Love. Love more than we understand it.

Am i supposed to be that ache of glory for others to witness? What do the events in my life lead me to be right now? What do all the things i love, i hate, i yearn for, come to right now? Do i sit, do i stand, do i do a little of both?

I know i cannot have answers unless grace gives them to me and unless i look to something much larger than the question.

I must be as honest as i can be with myself, with heaven, with God.
If i must scream out why i still hold strong to a belief that seems childish, then i must.
If i must write pages of what seems as increasingly annoying jibberish for what seems to be no reason, then i must.

"I pray for God's mercy for soon I'll be dead.
I hung my head, I hung my head..."

I read a book last night (yes, a whole book in one sitting).
It had a quote that said, life and eternity are not in terms of "heaven" and "hell".
Those who are in hell, will say that all they have experienced is hell.
Those who are in heaven, will see the rough times, will see all the crap in their life, and see the glory-- the heaven in their life.

That is to say, do not feel depressed or sorry or whatever,
because,

i see heaven.
And it is beautiful.

"if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way..."

shalom.