i can still remember the smell. sniff. like i had actually caught myself on fire. like those were destroyed. those desires. those were the days. when counting the stars and playing guitars was still possible. no distractions. no drama.
i can still remember the sound. crackle. startled almost as if the city couldn't make noise. and quick to react and to snap back. my head was in a room full of toys. entertainment. my cardboard box will suffice for tonight and you conversation is plenty than enough to make me feel like people are persons.
i can still remember the thought. frustration. why would you say such a thing? why wouldn't you let me speak first? was he just wanting the satisfaction of teaching me a lesson-- tryin' to make my balloon burst? dramas begin. lives end. remember the lack of thought? remember how frustrating it was to hear someone tell you what to start thinkin' about?
i can still remember the taste. plentiful. one that would fill my gullet wilst the cold and drowsiness surround me. give me another plate. give me another plate. greed or a desire to stay alive. i try to multiply and justify each piece of my life. it seemed so easy before. when i was shooting my brother with a gun and he was playing dead and counting to twenty.
i can still remember the touch. like death on the stomach. i always got nauseaous from the cold. did you know? you probably couldn't tell from my adoration of the snow. i still remember the feeling. insanity. am i for real? what is my deal? how come i feel like a cinema playing all the films at the same time?
oh yeah, i still remember a lot of things and make them make me happy. let thoughts surround me like an amusement park of nastalgia. let's go on another. and another. and another. till we get sick. and i dot my t's and cross my eyes.
i still remember a lot.
but.
i still forget.
why.
shalom.
2 comments:
Love you
I read this this morning and I wanted to share it with all of you. I am still "chewing" on it.
Johny B
I love you buddy...
Going Back to Lystra
God will never allow His disciples to "get around" scrapes; they must go "through" them. Nor will He allow us to get beyond a defeat unless we have sucked the victoryout of it.
Paul and Barnabas "retuned to Lystra" (Acts 14:21), the very place where a few days (or weeks) earlier they were stoned (v. 19) After such treatment, the natural man would have avoided Lystra as he would a plague! But not the spiritaul man. God will not have him bypass Lystra without learning its lesson and winning a victory.
The reason I am not making prgress in my dicipleship right now may be because there is a Lystra in my life and I will not go back and turn it into a victory. Jesus did the with Jerusalem; the very place where He was crucified was the place where He harvested three thousend believers in a single day! I must conquer my Lystra or I will never grow an inch toward maturity.
God will allow (has even planned) many "Lystras" in my life, and I will bear the scars of such encounters for the rest of my life. But God will not allow Lystra to be a blot on any record. That heated quarrel, the unchecked appetite, that strained relationship must be refaced, and the damange must be undone by contrition, repentance, and forgiveness. I may have to return many times until God is satisfied that the defeat has eventually bcome victory. It takes immense courage to face the pain and shame again, but out of the matrix of that pain is born a mature disciple. God, encourage me to face my Lystra again, despite the threat of a second stoning. I cannot do it alone, but Jesus, my great "returner" will go with me! Did He not say, "My presence shall go with you"? And did He not promise, "I will give you rest" (Exodus 33:14)?
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