Reverse Sociality

It's a party. It's a birthday party for heaven's sake. Why do i feel like i'm at a funeral, then?
It's a party. The resturaunt is beautiful. The soft glow of the emotional lights caress across the walls. The colors of everything matches some other counterpart, in order to make a "perfect" dining experience. All my friends are laughing and telling their stories. They are happy. I am jealous.
I told Johny a couple months ago that I was feeling left out, feeling alone.
Johny said, "When you get lonely like that, you gotta hang out with people."
I did. I thought it would "fix" itself. The fact remains though-- I am lonlier than ever. I don't comprehend the complexity of why my mind is telling me this. Why am I who I am? Why do I think this way?
Answers. There are answers for everything. Don't you believe so? I flash back to one question about how to live that my whole being tries to respond to correctly: "If you don't have tradition, if you don't have the Bible, if you don't have experience, what do you have?"
Two choices: A. Nothing; B. God.
I choose B. What does that mean? If I say that God is the only thing in my life that I really have and that really has me, what does that mean?
I don't know. What I do know, though, is that I can find out. How? By living. By not being another statistic, getting off my butt, trying hard, and deciding every minute of my life, to live. Actually live. Not to "have a good time" or check some goal on my "list of life goals", but to do what I think is right and to always be taking actions for the righteousness of what we have left.
I don't do that, do I? Why?
I'm lazy. Society teaches me to have "fun" and buy a bunch of USELESS CRAP I DON'T NEED. Some reason, I just don't think a new I-Pod will make me realize how good life is supposed to be.
I'm scared. To a calling I feel is right above anything else, I also feel like no one really gives a rat's behind about it. Sad. Sad, but true.
"Don't worry about them. Worry about yourself," Dad used to always say when I would wonder why my siblings weren't doing their chores.
I need to just go. Follow Christ how I see fit and let the dead bury themselves. We can't sit around waiting for God to literally pick us up and do it for us. No. That is not the love deemed righteous.
Things would make more sense, right?
Don't we all need to just live?


shalom.