i wake up and come to mind.

Suddenly i wake up and come to mind. Open my eyes a couple of times and look around. Pastor Temple, Charlie, and i are sitting in this rather small room. We are all on our knees and sitting on our heels. The distinct smell of candles and darkness and mystery fill the room. Clammered yet organized the details begine to make the mystery even more real to me. Charlie and i are both face Pastor Temple, and he is facing us. In the middle of us lay a very small, yet ancient looking, book. I shudder all over just imagining the power in it.

"Are you ready to meet your Father in Heaven?" Asks Pastor Temple in the nicest way possible (which is the only way i have ever seen him speak to anyone). The wrinkles througout his face combine with this energetic look beaming out of his sparkling blue eyes and radiant smile. Short, gray hair makes the educated guess of his age even harder to make. Peace is written all over his body.

"Yes," Charlie answers. With some quizitiveness, i can't help but wonder why Charlie is here and why i am here. You see, Charlie used to go to the same youth group as i did back in highschool. This kid was huge. Almost as big and tall as i was, he was 4 years younger, and for being teenagers that difference means a lot. Charlie was usually always happy and smiling and just enjoying life. If everyone had to wear signs around there necks to how they were feeling, Charlie's would definitely say, "I dunno. Life seems good. I can't complain," but the goofy look on his face says it all. He always had his hands jammed in the front pocket of the same red hooded sweatshirt that he wore that had this big bulldog face on the front of it. Highlights in his short dirty-blonde hair. Charlie was going to youthgroup every week. We got to know him more each time. Learned about his living with his mom and brother in the locals projects and the other crap that you think would make someone bitter about life. Charlie stopped going to church and youth group. I heard he got mixed up in a lot of drugs and the usual rumors about someone who doesn't go to church regularly anymore. But for some reason he's with Pastor Temple and me. Peace is written all over his body.

"Okay," replies Temple, "let's begin." He picks up the small put between us and starts to read, stopping to ask questions and Charlie answers them. i sit and stare. Temple reads faster and faster, while remaining calm. I watch Charlie. His eyes roll back and his eyelids gently sweep closed. His head starts nodding down, bouncing inch by bouncing inch, until his head is to his knees and he simply falls over.

i wake up and come to mind. i look around and see my candle lit on the stand beside my bed. My alarm clock is blaring but i seem to be out of my element to care enough. i hit the top switch over. Weird. i lay there thinking. How lond did i sleep? My Bloc Party CD is not playing anymore. It's got to be at least a couple of hours. It's dark. I feel asleep to the sunset. My room has no windows so it's always dark there. The sunset was blocked out before, but it's definitely on another side of the earth now. Finding myself dumbfounded i lay. i lay not thinking.

i wake up and come to mind. i look around and see i am in the room again. Charlie's not here. Strange. Pastor Temple is here. He looks at me and says something to the affect of if i'm ready for the next "phase". i don't really know what he is talking about. when i start to think about it, i realize that i've been here for a while now. Apparently, we've already done the first phase. i don't know how long ago that we started. i know that i've been kept to myself because of all the spiritual dreams and spiritual nightmares i've been having. i know that the more time that passes by the easier it comes to just close my eyes and see things that i could never imagine. This feeling starts to scare me. I need to go out for a walk. "Feel the breeze against my face" kind of stuff. i swing my legs over the edged of the matress and stand up. i do feel quite weird. Nevertheless, i go see my friends-- for some reason, time seems to be short. Anyways.

We decide to go to the movies. The movie theatre is huge. i don't know what someone was thinking when they built it. It is remarkably beautiful, though-- stunning really. i make sure i sit next to the girl i secretly like. Half way through the movie i can't concentrate and her beauty is making this theatre gray and undetailed. Dare i show some concern? My time is short, right? Slide of the right hand down my brown coudorouys, like an avalanche going down canyons in slow motion. i accidentally touch her foot. "Hurry, act like you're being a goofball," i think to myself. My intent is blown. Awkward. i'm in trouble. Wait, though. Her hand is right there creeping closer. Dare i? My time is short, right? i go for it with no hesitation. i am happy. The rest of the movie is good, but i don't pay attention to hardly any. We are smiling. Everybody knows, but has no idea at the same time.

i wake up and come to mind. i look at the clock. it's six something. i lay there and try to wake up again. My eyes gently close together.

i wake up and come to mind. i look around. we are all walking down this gravel road going sideways on this huge hill. i hear some word that J.R. is running from the cops. No suprise, but still odd. J.R. is one of my roomates up at the churhc. He's 19, wears girls pants, and writes music. A true friend. We laugh about whatever we find funny and think about whatever we deem serious thinking material. He writes his music. I try to write mine. We both skip showers and we both live together. He is happy, by the looks of his smile.

His running from the cops seems serious because of all the helicopters. i try to just ignore the intensity and let the fresh, summer air hit my senses. My experience is interrupted again because i see J.R. sneaking and ducking on the side of the hill. Dang nabbit. As we come up to him, this minivan comes screeching beside us. They start asking questions about J.R. and about how i need to go back to the church for my "experience". They have no idea that in the deep grass, J.R. is laying. We all pile in the van and J.R. schimmy's his way to the roof some how. We're off. Once again i am "in it". All i can think about is them not seeing J.R. and what is gonna happen when i get back to the church during my "experience". Am i gonna die? If so, what is the point? This makes no sense.

We arrive at the church and erupt out of the van. Everybody goes to one of the offices to hang out. I go to "that room" and Heath, my brother, follows me. The "next phase" begins. Heath and I wait on our knees for Pastor Temple. The thoughts and fears in my mind are spinning like a tornadoe in a bottle. "Why is this going on?" i think to myself. It just doesn't make sense. Pastor Temple walks in and we begin immediately. Temple asks me questions and i answer as best as possible. Heath adds his little tid-bits too. i look at him sternfully and give him a brotherly "shutup". Temple picks up the book and starts reading. i can feel my mind and heart doing something. i start thinking of those i love. i think of my siblings, i think of my friends, i think of the girl i like.

i freak out. "Stop. We have to stop. This doesn't make any sense. Why can't i just live?"

"You want to be in heaven with your Father, right?" asks Temple.

"Yes, but why can't i do it the hard way?" iask more and more questions. i start to cry. i stand up and storm into the other offices. The pastors say things like, "i knew we shouldn't have picked his brother," and other "wise" things. "Wise" to me is a term being used more and more freely every second i am here. i cry some more and ask questions. "i don't know why i'm doing this and i saw what happened to Charlie-"

"That's what happened to Charlie?" says one of the youth in the office. He sprints out the door to tell the others.

Oh no," states one of the pastor matter-of-factly, "Now this is great." They look at me in huge dissapointment. The chaos rises and rises.

i wake up and come to mind. i look around. the candle is lit beside my bed on the stand. i'm not gonna lay back down this time.


shalom.