all things go

now listening to: sufjan stevens

i know i just preached a whole stinkin' lesson on asking for forgiveness and not letting the sun set on your rage, but, seriously, how fricking hard is that?

my freaking brain is about to freaking explode. i don't think i have ever truly experienced rage until this very evening. I know what will set my trigger of endless death and mass destruction. DO NOT SCREW WITH THE ONES I WILL LOVE. Love, i do not understand it. how can i love someone so much that i could hate someonewho hurts them? how can that be, especially if i am to love like christ? i know it is wrong.
i feel it oh so deep within me this battle coming forth, the depths of hell versusthe heights of heaven. who will win? who will win? who will win?
i hope it is the good. i can only hope. i can only hope that i am not tested onto a point to where i can not take anymore. I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE, this i am almost sure of. i am sick of trying to love. the more i try, the more i hate. i am so f-ed up i don't know what i needs to be going on inside my head and heart in order to win this war. my jaw clenches with every chew of mint, so that i may not let my tongue leash out and kill all. my fist clenches with every jolt of electric rage that bursts through it like super lighting storms. will i? won't i? what is the decision? let me know, let me know, let me know...
Sufjan, sing to me and give me wisdom. with this anger, with this passion, how do i focus it? how do i channel this lightning within me? with the power of God and the help of an all powerful, how do i die, so that this power may live?

you know the answer, but you do not know the answer. you do not know the answer. i am not alone. i am alone. there's nothing new under the sun, but God has made me different from you. my answer is in me and is in him. my answer is not your answer. i am not you. i do not need advice. i need an ear. i do not need an example, i need you to be with. i need you. i need you without the pride, with out the help, with out the solution, but with the heart. just the heart.
"i fell in love again,
all things go, all things go...
i made a lot of mistakes,
in my life, in my life...
if i was crying,
in the van, with my friend,
it was for freedom,
from my self, and from the land,
i made a lot of mistakes
i made a lot of mistakes
i made a lot of mistakes"

shalom.