11 months 7 days 2 hours 59 minutes 37 seconds

Now listening to: MewithoutYou

Okay, sO things are gOOd. I apOlOlgize fOr nOt telling all Of yOu ealier-- I gOt busy. I'm sOrry again.
What is going on in my life? I don't know.
That's weird, right, that I don't know what's going on or how I'm doing? Things have just been... blah. I don't know if it's even tangible enough to call it blah, cuz I'm not really depressed that much. I feel like I'm happy most of the time. I don't know why I'm happy. I feel like I am fooling myself. But, I should be happy, shouldn't I? God is absolutely amazing. He is doing things in me that I cannot even comprehend. I feel a river with the power of a waterfall moving in me (and, no, I do have to pee right now, but that's not what I'm talking about).
Things are good, because I am not in a third world country and I have medical care for me to rely on and because no matter how much money I don't have, I am still rich compared to those who live on less than I. I'm sorry this is not a "happy blog", but I don't want to be happy when a world of injustice and materialism surrounds me. I need to give my things to those who need them. I need to. I'm not saying you need to, unless you feel that way. I need to. I know it is right. I know I can only rely on God more by doing this. I don't need a Christmas list. I just need Christ, the man that is the answers to all the questions I'm asking.
In my brokeness I have no idea to what I am doing, but in my brokeness I feel where those cracks are. I cannot see them, but I feel them.
He asks me, "Do you want to be whole?" and I say, "yes." This does not feel good. It feels as if I don't have anything left to rely on, anything to say in mine, anything that I remember.
A voice beside me says, "Look".
I respond, "I don't see anything."
"When you see me, you will be finished."
Not know what that means, I just let the tar beat out of me to a point where I am just living at the minimal level.
"I will end this unless you want it."
"No, keep going."
"Okay," he smiles and goes to work again. "Just lean on me... Just lean on me... Just lean on me.."
"Okay." Hours, maybe even days go by before I wake.
"Do you see the world I want? One day it will be like..." And I listen, or try to listen, while he goes on about a world in which he is King. And, as he talks to me, I know. I am a part.
Shalom.